Giftedness and Siblings

 Giftedness and Siblings - Written for Promise - The Newsletter for the NJ Association of Gifted Children

I am not a parenting expert.  I have made mistakes, lots of them.  I am not sure when you reach the age when your children are considered grown (if ever) but my “children” are 23 and 20.  A college graduate and a junior in college. Over my 24 years as a parent of two gifted children, I have learned a lot of lessons, some easy and some very challenging.  I learned a crucial lesson many years too late to save me a lot of self-doubt, aggravation, research and conferences.  That lesson is that children are rarely the same as their siblings and their respective “giftedness” is not always easy to identify. The younger of my two sons would check all the standard checkmarks for giftedness.  He is well-read, sails through any curriculum with ease, is comfortable speaking with peers and adults, is creative and witty and is generally the student every teacher would love to have in their classroom.  His success is expected and rarely celebrated because it is just what he does.  

My older child is a master at disguising his abilities and camouflaging as a “typical” boy with “average” abilities.  He loves to be outside, has read a total of one book in his lifetime (a big shout out to Mrs. Hill who was the only teacher to ever make that happen), is quick to make comments to his neighbors in class, is always the “witness” to some sort of mischief and though enrolled in higher level classes, was always on the edge of failing at least one class (always because, he would state, “the teacher doesn’t like me). I am no proponent of the victim mentality, but I can easily see how a teacher would be annoyed by his commentary and general laissez-faire approach to school.  He chose a college based on which golf coach and team was a good fit.  He did not have a concern for academics in the least.  He chose finance and a s major with no real reason other than his friends were in the same classes.  His grades were solid, and he graduated in four years.  In that time, he became very interested in the stock market and investing and has developed a very considerable portfolio for a 23-year-old.  He prides himself on being in the top 1% of incomes for his age group.  He is also a top golf caddy at one of the most exclusive courses in the country.  He is patient, well-spoken, respectful and is at ease with the multi-millionaires and celebrities he works with every day. Recently, he decided to sit for the SIE exam (Securities Industry Essentials). He committed himself to studying for many hours and passed on his first attempt.  

I don’t state these facts to brag about my children, though I am extremely proud to be their mom. My older son was considered an “under-achiever” by academia and has proven the doubters wrong, even though it took a little longer than the “usual gifted student”.  Giftedness is not always easily identified by a number, statistic or grade.  As parents and educators, we have been conditioned to believe that our children are gifted if their IQ is a certain number, or their test scores are in a certain range.  The truth is much more complicated.  Children who are truly gifted are not a number, they are full of wonder and creativity.  They excel in many areas, not all academic.  They are witty and funny, though not always appropriately, because they see connections between ideas all the time and can’t stop themselves from sharing.  Parents know their children the best and are their children’s best advocates.  If you see a spark in your child, help them start a fire, encourage them to follow their passions, even if they don’t meet the conventional idea of what a gifted child should do.  Though it can be very frustrating, be patient with your children, they all develop their gifts at their own pace.  They will get there, just maybe not as fast as their siblings.